One Funny Bitch

Your Seduction Style: Au Natural

2005-12-19T12:36:00.000-05:00

You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it.That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power!The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism.You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world.Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in.You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you?You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways.Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you.As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you.

http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofseducerareyouquiz/outcome.php

Drinks Show Your Personality

2005-12-16T14:20:00.000-05:00

Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana
boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very
picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's
interested, she'll send YOU a drink..................
Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet
evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated,
actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should
be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get
totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed.
Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!
Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what
happens there.

THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay

**Note - I enjoy mixed drinks but I'll be damned if I'm going to buy a strange guy a drink! Sorry boys, I've wasted too much money on men already!

2005-12-13T10:58:00.000-05:00

Don’t be afraid
Open your mouth and say
Say what your soul sings to you

Your mind can never change
Unless you ask it to
Lovingly re-arrange
The thoughts that make you blue
The things that bring you down
Only do harm to you
And so make your choice joy
The joy belongs to you

And when you do
You'll find the one you love is you
You'll find you
Love you

Don’t be ashamed no
To open your heart and pray
Say what your soul sings to you

So no longer pretend
That you can’t feel it near
That tickle on your hand
That tingle in your ear
Oh ask it anything
Because it loves you dear
It’s your most precious king
If only you could hear

And when you do
You’ll find the one you need is you
You’ll find you
Love you

Massive Attack/100th Window - Sinead O'Connor

The Ultimate Drinking Survey

2005-12-06T09:48:00.000-05:00

Someone asked me to fill this out so here ya go:

THE ULTIMATE DRINKING SURVEY
Thousands have taken it.......let's see if you can handle it, you drunken bastard! If you answer 'no' to number one, then there is no need to keep going. But if it's 'yes', then let the answers roll!!!!!

1. Have you ever been drunk?
Duh

2. How old were you the first time you got drunk?
16 - Boones Farm, Strawberry Fields

3. Have you ever gotten/given digits while intoxicated?
Hello, what's the point of being drunk?

4. Have you ever 'drunk dialed'?
Yes and people have dialed for me (after breakups all of the phones in the house, including my cell have to be locked away before the drinking begins)!

6. Have you ever had to cover up the fact that you were drunk?
In college and work a couple of times - damn those mornings when you're still trashed or those liquid lunches!

7. Have you ever been arrested for any alcohol related crime?
Not arrested just ticketed

8. Have you ever hooked-up with someone while drunk?
Isn't that what's supposed to happen?

9. Ever forgot their name?
I guess that's how I ended up with "I don't know" programed in my phone

10. When was the last time you were drunk?
Saturday night - Happy 26th Mer!

11. Have you ever been on a drunken binge?
Winter Break, Spring Break, Summer break, Thursday nights, football games......

12. Do you need alcohol to have a good time?
Nope - I'm 1funnybitch!

13. What kind of alcohol gets you the most intoxicated?
Red Wine, love it

14. Favorite liquor?
Amaretto

15. Favorite beer?
Shiner Blonde

16. Have you ever woken up after a night of drinking and found you were still drunk?
Many a Friday morning

17. Have you ever swam drunk?
Yes how else are you supposed to skinny dip

18. What kind of a drunk are you?
Fun and crazy

19. Is alcohol like "truth serum" to you?
It depends who's asking

20. Favorite drinking partner?
There are just so many!!!!

21. Favorite bar??
I'm sorry but I'm drawing a blank....

22. Have you ever completely blacked out?
Once, didn't enjoy the next day - thought I had died and gone to hell

23. Have you ever puked from drinking?
Too many times to count, I'm a professional and even assist my friends at times.

24. Have you ever had the 'crying drunks'?
During every break-up and last Thursday night!

25. Can you still do physical activities while intoxicated?
Of course, how do you think I got so popular? (just kidding)

26. Have you ever gotten into a drunken fight?
Damn those bitches I used to live with in college!

27. Who is the most annoying drunk that you know?
My roomie's boyfriend

28. Who is the most flirtatious drunk?
All men

29. Do you have a drunken nickname?
No but I need to work on that

31. Funniest drunken scene in a movie:
Old School - streaking baby!

32. Favorite song(s) about drinking: DMB - Grace is Gone - "I have one drink to remember and another to forget..."

33. Have you ever woken up next to someone you didn't know?
Again...I have someone programed in my phone as "I don't know" ;)

34. Have you ever been hit on by someone way older than you?
It was horrifying

35. What's the worst 'buzz kill'?
Having a job

36. Have you ever dated a bartender or bouncer or cocktail waitress?
No but I should, free drinks!

37. Do you ever say to yourself, "dang I need a drink!"?
Yes several times a week

38. Do strangers ever buy you drinks?
Of course, I'm a chick

39. Have you ever drank too much on a date?
Yes.

40. Is there anything that you refuse to drink?
Liquid Cocaine shots - Fuck you Clay you shot Nazi

41. Have you ever been drunk on a plane?
Yes, it's the only way to Fly the Friendly Skies

42. Have you ever gotten drunk during the day?
It's always fun but leads to an early night

43. Have you ever had to run from the cops and leave the beer behind?
It was a sad day but they were scary in their riot gear!

44. What's your favorite drinking game?
Asshole, you can call me Miss President!

45. Have you ever injured yourself while drunk?
Si

46. What's the most destructive thing that has happened while you were drunk?
Fighting with friends and getting punched in the face by a guy friend...don't worry I hit him back!

47. Ever been drunk at a concert?
Of course, silly question - NIN in October

48. Is this survey getting too long?
Way

49. Are you ready for the last question?
Bring it

50. Why do you drink?
I like to be drunk...

Tag: KitKat, Mel, J-Lo and Slade.

Are you fucking kidding me?

2005-12-01T09:17:00.000-05:00

Here are several items that have caused me great stress this morning:

Dear Mr. Middle Eastern Gas Station Owner, when I just spent $25.00 gassing up my car and paying at the pump as you hand written sign requested, how dare you have the nerve to tell me that you wouldn’t accept my debit card when I actually come into the store to buy my morning snack and giant Diet Coke….your $10.00 minimum purchase rule SUCKS especially when I just filled up my gas tank at your stupid pump, Asshole!

Newsflash Jacksonville Drivers – learn how to FUCKING DRIVE! Are you so completely oblivious that you don’t notice me driving up your ass because you are going below the speed limit in the passing/fast lane? Move the fuck over you pathetic idiots, I know we are in the South and things are more laid back and relaxed down here but I still have to get to work and since you already have made me sit in traffic for an hour and a half due to your inability to merge onto a highway, yes, I happen to be in a hurry.

When 13 cars are passing you and then moving back over in front of you - THAT MEANS YOU ARE DRIVING TOO SLOW - MOVE!

This leads me to you Mr. Pimped Out Rice Burner Driver – If it is so necessary to trick out your Honda Civic so that it looks like it belongs in The Fast and the Furious – drive it like it or move that piece of shit out of the way!

Then we get to the one that tops off the morning! Dear Mr. F350 Driver, I don’t think your truck is big enough maybe you should put a lift kit on it and add tires that are bigger than my entire car, oh good, you already did! You are the most fucking ridiculous person in the world, why the hell do you need that vehicle? Oh you don’t need it but think it looks “sweet,” guess what it doesn’t and you know what – your penis is still just as small as it always has been!

And you wonder why I will be forced to get drunk tonight………………

Sushi on the Brain

2005-11-15T09:34:00.000-05:00

I am eating sushi for breakfast – WTF? I can’t seem to get enough sushi and crab meat lately. I even took sushi to the movie theater last weekend instead of eating popcorn. Does anyone know what this means?

Chasing Butterflies...

2005-11-10T12:49:00.000-05:00

"In time you will find that to be happy with someone else, you first need to not need that person. You will also find that the person you love, or think you love, who doesn't want to have anything to do with you, is not the person for your life. You will learn to like yourself, to take care of yourself. The secret is not to chase after butterflies; it's to take care of the garden so that they come to you. In the end, you will find not who you were looking for, but who was looking for you."
Anonymous....taken from Mel's blog.

I was just over in Mel's world and read this quote and knew I had to post it. For those of you who don't know me this is a battle I fight every hour of every day. It is hard to love yourself and take care of yourself when you feel like you are all alone and no one cares about you or what you do. I have let so many people shit on me and rip my heart open that some days I wonder if there is anything left. I remember what it feels like to love yourself and to be loved but I haven't had that in so long that it seems like it happened to someone else. I think I'm at the point that I just want to say fuck it all I give up....not on myself but on everyone else. Maybe it is time for me to only focus on me. If you don't expect anything from anyone they can't disappoint you....right?

Enjoy Ladies

2005-11-08T17:49:00.000-05:00

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happens)

And my personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Drunk Bitch Friday

2005-10-21T08:40:00.000-05:00

Today is THE DAY – the Nine Inch Nails concert!!! My favorite drinking buddy Travis drove down from North Carolina yesterday to attend this awesome show with me….you know what that means – it’s also Drunk Bitch Friday for me! Of course I’m sick yet again but I figure the buzz I’ll get with all the meds mixed with a dozen Bud Lights will surely prove successful. Today kicks off one of the most looked forward to weeks in Jacksonville and much of the south, the Georgia Florida football game/tailgate!

So tonight we will kick off the week with the concert followed by numerous wine nights, that’s how Trav and I roll, and then on Wednesday the other half of the Funny Bitches will come into town. Watch out Jacksonville the Funny Bitches are reuniting and it is bound to be crazy, it’s been 4 years since we’ve been in Jax together. I think we’ll terrorize Fernandina Beach first on Wednesday night then come back down to Jax to tear up the Square on ladies night, hit the Cousin Catfish Pigskin Jamboree Friday night and then wrap up the week at the football game on Saturday. I know Halloween isn’t until Monday but I may have to check into Detox before that. So wish me luck everyone that my liver makes it through this next week. Standby for funny stories and more…..

More Weddings = More Debt

2005-10-18T16:26:00.000-05:00

Sorry to leave everyone wondering what happened to me....I went to yet another freakin wedding in Colorado!!! Yo bitches, stop getting married I can't afford this shit! So here's a little poem about my trip:

T’was the night before the wedding and all through the city there were check points and DUI blocks to catch the drunk diddy.
In a strange town where highways are abundant, it was difficult to navigate almost redundant!
I u-turned and u-turned but to no avail as I passed through the toll booth to yet again pay the bail
Finally an understanding friend took pity on my directionally challenged ass and told me to pull off to avoid a big crash
A friend whom I haven't seen in quite a while, warmed my heart and gave me quite a big smile
I realized this trip that what I missed most was the laughter and joy brought by those who are close
Although Colorado is cold and missing an ocean, sometimes friends and family are better than that notion!

Couplet by Cameron

2005-09-28T10:14:00.000-05:00

This is a funny little couplet my friend Cameron wrote for me today....I asked him to tell me a story and this is what I got:

"There once was a princess named Kat who had a smoking hot ass."

Thanks Cameron, you made me smile today.

Quote of the Week

2005-09-27T13:15:00.000-05:00

"Men are like Coffee.....
The best ones are Rich,
Warm, and Keep you Up all Night Long!"

Jefferson Davis Middle School

2005-09-27T09:20:00.000-05:00

So yesterday I realized that I didn’t have a parking pass to work out on campus…no big deal I could go jogging instead. The catch is I won’t just jog around a neighborhood, I need an official track to accomplish this dreaded task, don’t ask me why I’m just OCD about it! Well since I just moved I didn’t really know where to find a school with a track so off I went driving around the new neighborhood in search of a middle school. And yes, only a middle school would do as I am scared of high schoolers. I was able to find an elementary school by following the crosswalk signs and school zone signs but no luck with the middle school. I saw two ladies about my mom’s age walking and decided to pull over and ask them. They told me that I could NOT go jogging alone at any of the local middle schools….fine I said, I’ll go get my roommate and make him go with me! They actually made me promise that I wouldn’t go alone before they would give me directions, fine I promise – whatever we all know I was lying! It didn’t matter anyway because I still couldn’t find the damn school. But I did find another elementary school that had a Brownie troop in the parking lot so I pulled over and asked them for some assistance. They gave me directions and assured me that I would be safe going alone as long as it was light outside…..what the hell kind of neighborhood did we buy a house in anyways? This time I got it – take a left on Tinker bell to Boy Blue, then take a right, follow that up to Peter Pan and take a left this will put you out on Cinderella then you can’t miss it on the right at Snow White – WTF! Well I did indeed find it….and yes I was scared for my life. I was definitely the minority there at Jefferson Davis Middle School! After calling my roomie to tell him my location and ETA home with instructions to call the police if I was any later than an hour and a half I set out on my jog. I was so nervous that I didn’t even feel the burn as bad as usual, bonus! As the sun went down I was carefully calculating how many more laps I could get in before evacuation was a must. Happy with my workout I headed back to my car. I happened to be parked next to the only person I felt safe talking to and asked him if he knew how many laps equaled one mile – 4! 4, I thought it was 8, HELL YA; I did twice the workout I had intended to do!!! All in all it was an adventuresome and highly productive evening at Jefferson Davis Middle School.

Hurricane Katrina Joke

2005-09-23T17:24:00.000-05:00

"What did Katrina say to the coconut tree?....................You better hold your nuts because this ain't no normal blowjob!"

Ha, Ha, Ha that's what he said!

Attention residents of Jacksonville, FL

2005-09-02T08:09:00.000-05:00

I know that several of you out there in blog land live here in Jacksonville, FL. I just wanted to let all of you know some of the efforts that are being made locally to help the victims of Hurricane Katrina:

1. There is a blood drive going on at the UNF campus today to help stock the blood banks in Florida as they are trying to aid the gulf coast as well keep Florida supplied. The drive will be held at The Crossings on campus between 3:30 and 8:30 today. For more information please call (904) 620-1570.

2. PRI Productions, the company I used to work for, is loading their semi trucks full of food and supplies for the people of New Orleans, Mississippi and Alabama. If you have any clothing, canned goods, personal hygiene products, blankets, pillows, bug spray or any other supplies please donate them, every little bit helps. I know there are several organizations and locations around the city making the same efforts but I just wanted to make you aware of this opportunity that I am directly involved in and can personally guarantee that these supplies will make it into the hands of the people who need them. PRI is located in San Marco off of Atlantic and Kings Road, just look for the "Jacksonville Care - Hurricane Katrina Relief" bannered truck in the parking lot. You can drop off donations between 7:00 am and 7:00 pm 7 days a week (even labor day). Donations will be accepted until the trucks are full. If you need directions please call (904) 398-8179.

If you need more information you can contact me by leaving a comment, it will come directly to my work email address.

Thank you to everyone that contributing and donating.

Devastation

2005-08-31T10:41:00.000-05:00

I am so overwhelmed with the mass destruction and devastation caused by Hurricane Katrina. When I posted about the different meanings of my name earlier this month I had no idea that my name would ever be associated with such a tragedy. At first friends and family were joking with me about it and leaving newspaper articles on my desk and emailing me updates on the storm. It was amusing at first but now it is horrifying. I can’t even begin to put into words the emotions I am feeling about this. I finally reached a point this morning where I had to turn off the TV and the radio; I couldn’t take the heart break anymore. My heart and prayers go out to all of the people affected by this natural disaster. I have a friend who lives in Pascagoula, Miss. that I can’t get a hold of and am praying he and his family are alright. I also have a close friend whose family decided to stay in their home in New Orleans, they survived and so did their house amazingly. But now they are stuck there with limited food and water and the threat of looters looming. When you try to think about what you would do in this situation your mind goes crazy, I can’t even begin to imagine what I would do and how I would feel. It is like a horror movie coming true, dead bodies floating around, looters fighting for food just to survive, the threat of mass panic and riots, police being shot while trying to protect and keep the peace, it’s like Dawn of the Dead. Not to mention the millions of people who have nothing left. Even if they did manage to evacuate and get out of harms way what do they do now? They have no home to go back to yet how long can you afford to stay in a hotel and feed your family with no job to go to? It is so mind boggling to me. Here in Jacksonville, FL they are beginning to set up shelters for people to evacuate to. Several of our local fire departments and rescue teams left yesterday to help in whatever way they can. I wish there was something we could do other than just sending monetary donations but there really isn’t right now. Even if you could volunteer to help you can’t get into the cities or even close to them at this point. I’m sure a lot of you have similar feelings about this and are feeling just as helpless as I am. I guess all we can do for now is pray and contribute what we can financially. Drew, if you are out there I love you and hope you and your family are safe. Jeff, I am so sorry for you and your family and if there is anything I can do please let me know. To everyone else that has been affected by this you are in my thoughts and prayers, God bless.

Two Fags & a Hag

2005-08-17T13:17:00.000-05:00

This is the name of the reality home renovation show my roommates and I are going to start. If only we had video documentation of our renovation/demolition thus far, I definitely think Bravo would pick us up. For those of you that have forgotten or are new to this bizarre blog of mine, I live with my gay friend and his fiancé. The comedy began Sunday when we took possession of the house our first project was to disconnect the dishwasher so that the previous owner could pick it up; she bought it back from us for $125.00. So since I know nothing about appliances, in general ;), I was in charge of holding the dishwasher propped on its side while the boys figured out what we had to do and disconnect underneath. The first incident was that apparently you don’t just turn off the water to the kitchen; you have to turn off the water main to the house, oops! So water came shooting out into the kitchen, don’t worry I didn’t let go of the dishwasher, I held my post. Once we remedied that little faux pas it was time to cut the electric wires (or something, I have no idea). We were joking that at least the boys took out life insurance on Shane the week before and that if he died by electrocution it would pay double. Ha, Ha, POP - sparks! Damn it, apparently we needed to cut the power to the entire house, not just the kitchen. Shane is alive, but no longer has hair on his fingers or wrists. I am fine as well, just got a little jolt but not enough to drop the dishwasher – I am one hell of an assistant!

It’s strange because we now own a house and I don’t feel like we’re old enough to - we have no fucking clue what we are doing half the time. Upon discussing this matter over brunch we came up with our home show name, Two Fags & a Hag. I will keep you updated on upcoming episodes/disasters as they come about. Stay tuned!

In Wallpaper Hell

2005-08-15T15:33:00.000-05:00

As I forwarned in a previous post - I am swamped with trying to prepare my new house to move at the end of this week. First of all, who the fuck uses wallpaper anymore? And if you are quilty of this - Fuck You! Our new house is like a Fun House - everytime we rip off a layer of outdated wallpaper we are horrified to find yet another layer under it, it is maddening. And to give you an update, I am going to the "Commitment Ceremony" in Denver this weekend! So I will be eating, sleeping and breathing this new house until I leave on Thursday night. Soooo since I am exhausted and currently on a very enjoyable pain pill I decided to post this little lesson that pretty much summarizes my last few months posts. Sorry for the lack of creativity but it's all I've got today.

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.
You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time.
You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.
You'll fight with your best friend.
You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
You'll cry because time is passing too fast,
and you'll eventually lose someone you love.
So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Katrina is a noblewoman by birth and owns the Powerful Masquerade Sword

2005-08-10T14:31:00.000-05:00

So I decided to take part in this trend of googlism.com and finding out what your name means. This is great! There are too many meanings to share all of them but these were the best ones:

Katrina is the bitch round ere - damn right, bring it bitches!
Katrina is tropical storm 15 - I’m waiting for the headlines now!
Katrina is wife material - so what’s the fucking hold up then?
Katrina is officially retired - damn I wish, why the hell am I still coming to work then
Katrina is committed to ensuring all New Hampshire’s families have life - aren’t we all, I mean really.
Katrina is a daughter of a very different place - that’s just great!
Katrina is a resident of the Albany Landfill - FUCK.
Katrina is so furious - maybe that’s why I’m a “bitch round ere”
Katrina is also certified as a master - you better recognize fool!
Katrina is a meld of the traditional Romanian vampire - awesome!
Katrina is nothing short of spectacular - duh.
Katrina is a petite redhead with a spirit as fiery as her hair - thank God I’m not, I’m scared of fire crotch.
Katrina is fortunate to have a friend who believes in her statements about the case and who also believes in Katrina herself - awh kitkat, even Google knows who you are!
Katrina is a ruthless and deadly killer when she wants to be - who knows, we’ll see I guess, I do idolize the Black Mamba.
Katrina is working on her wood piece to be perfect - don’t we all like “wood” to be perfect? ;)
Katrina is worried for her mother - Yes and I hope you read this mom! My mom refuses to even try to quit smoking. I am obviously not having kids in the near future and want my mom to be an active part of their lives so knock that shit off mom or you won’t be around long enough to even meet them!

And the Grand Finale and my favorite is:

Katrina is a lovely prostitute that Jack Crow and his gang utilize for recreation in a motel after a successful raid on vampires - Sweet!

Fortune Cookies Rule

2005-08-08T08:34:00.000-05:00

"A merry heart does good like a medicine."

Madness

2005-08-05T14:47:00.000-05:00

Today has been chaotic to say the least. First of all, apparently people (NIGHT TIME/WEEKEND MANAGMENT) don't feel it is important to come into work when they are scheduled to! No big deal really, I mean the people who have already been there since 7:00 or 8:00 a.m. can stay late so you can just chill at your house until you feel like coming in, Asshole. Secondly, why don't I ever get the "Casual Friday" memo, I mean I love wearing slacks and heals everyday guys, why would I want to wear shorts and tennis shoes? Thirdly, my gay cousin is having his "Wedding" on August 20th in Denver. I really wanted to go and love my cousin and his boyfriend dearly but I am flat broke. All of my friends seem to be getting married this year and I am in each of the weddings. So not only do I have to fly to Denver and take time off work but then they pick the most expensive bride's maid's dresses known to man. It is going to cost me almost $900.00 to celebrate my college roommate's wedding. I am happy for you sweety but God damn I could go on a cruise or to Europe for that! So now that I already have 3 trips to Denver this year (I usually only go home once a year) my extended family is laying the guilt trip on me to make it to his commitment ceremony or forever damage our relationship. Fuck! As if the financial issue isn't enough, I am supposed to be moving that weekend. Yes, I know that a wedding is far more important than moving but lets remember that I am a single female who drives a little convertible Cabrio - how the hell am I going to move myself. My roommate has told me that if I'm not here on the weekend of the "big" move that I'll have to find someone else with a truck to help me the week before and I can leave my stuff in the garage until I get back from Denver! Fine 679 trips later I'm sure I'll be moved in and comfortable. All of this chaos led me to eat 2 candy bars today, which in turn has also made me feel horribly guilty and fat! So the bottom line is that I am setting up a Save Queenie's Sanity Fund. Feel free to make monetary contributions or donations in the form of Bud Light or gin.

Stolen Post

2005-08-04T11:06:00.000-05:00

I love these silly things. I stole this one from Undies.

Things I have done in my lifetime, as of today:

(x) Smoked a joint (sorry mom and dad but I’m not a pot head like your son)
() Been in a wet t-shirt contest
(x) Crashed a car (uh, almost every car I’ve owned)
(x) Stolen a car (my dad’s when I was 15, just drove around the neighborhood with my best friend, got caught)
(x) Been in love
(?) Had a threesome (I’ll never tell)
(x) Been dumped
(x) Shoplifted (pens from Target and my mom made us return them and apologize)
(x) Been fired (and sued the company and the manager who dared)
(x) Been in a fist fight (I lived with some real bitches and I was forced to hit 2 guys)
(x) Snuck out of the house (snuck beer out of the house, I just walked out)
(x) Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
() Been arrested (I usually just date the delinquents)
(x) Made out with a stranger (why not?)
(x) Gone on a blind date (numerous)
(x) Lied to a friend (haven’t we all, come on)
() Had a crush on a teacher
(x) Been to Europe
(x) Skipped school (I was a peer counselor and used to write my own passes out of class)
(x) Seen someone die
(x) Been to Canada
(x) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane (no, I walked to Europe)
() Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
(x) Thrown up in a bar (in the bar's bathroom - I am a drinker)
() Purposely set a part of yourself on fire (WTF)
(x) Eaten Sushi (love it)
(x) Been skiing (duh, grew up in Colorado)
(x) Met someone from the internet in person (shhh!)
(x) Been moshing at a concert (not by choice, it was scary)
(x) Been in an abusive relationship (mentally, with the addict)
(x) Taken painkillers (remember all the car crashes)
(x) Love someone or miss someone right now (every day)
(x) Lay and watch cloud shapes go by
(x) Made a snow angel
(x) Had a tea party (didn’t every girl with her dolls)
(x) Flown a kite
(x) Built a sand castle
(x) Gone puddle jumping
(x) Played dress up (and still do, anything for a good laugh)
(x) Jumped into a pile of leaves (until I realized that dogs pee in piles of leaves)
(x) Gone sledding
(x) Cheated while playing a game (I’m a great cheat – at games that is!)
(x) Been lonely (who hasn’t?)
(x) Fallen asleep at work/school (driving - last years car crash, the palm tree won)
(x) Used a fake ID (had 6, the bouncers asked who I was going to be each night)
(x) Watched the sunset
() Felt an earthquake (thank God)
(x) Touched a snake (I assume that's the reptile variety)
(x) Slept beneath the stars (one of my favorite things to do)
(x) Been tickled
(x) Been robbed (money taken out of my purse, thanks junkie ex)
(x) Been misunderstood (all the time)
(x) Pet a reindeer/goat (goat, they can be mean little bastards)
(x) Won a contest/race (essay contest, go to place the wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier in 8th grade)
(x) Run a red light (does it sound like I’m a good driver?)
() Been suspended from school (I left that up to my little brother)
(x) Been in a car accident (4: 2 were my fault, 2 weren’t)
() Had braces (no but thought they were cool and was jealous of my friends who had them in 6th grade)
() Felt like an outcast
() Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night (been tempted)
(x) Had deja vu
(x) Danced in the moonlight
(x) Hated the way you look (I am a girl)
(x) Witnessed a crime
() Pole danced (does dancing to Guns N’ Roses with a broom count?)
(x) Been obsessed with post-it notes (they’re so fun)
(x) Walked barefoot through the mud
(x) Been lost (perpetually)
(x) Been to the opposite side of the world
(x) Swam in the ocean (huge accomplishment since I'm deathly afraid of sharks)
(x) Felt like dying (thought I was dying)
(x) Cried yourself to sleep (many nights)
() Played cops and robbers
(x) Recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers (I love my gel pens)
(x) Sung karaoke (only when drunk)
(x) Paid for a meal with only coins (my Taco Bell loves me)
(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't (daily – damn it I love carbs)
(x) Made prank phone calls when you were younger (my best friends and I were pros – we always got the popular kids to dish the dirty)
(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose (family routine is to make me laugh at Thanksgiving until milk comes out, mean!)
(x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
() Danced naked in the rain (I only do 2 things while naked)
(x) Written a letter to Santa Claus (until I realized it was our neighbor dressed up)
() Been kissed under the mistletoe (how sad, I’ll have to work on that this year)
(x) Watched the sun rise with someone you care about
(x) Blown bubbles
(x) Had a bonfire on the beach (not while living in Florida though, I'll work on that too)
(x) Crashed a party (hello!)
(x) Gone rollerblading
(x) Had a wish come true
(x) Worn pearls (duh, I was in a sorority)
() Jumped off a bridge
() Screamed the word penis in public (um no, I don’t even say that word)
(x) Ate dog/cat food
() Told a complete stranger you loved them
(x) Kissed a mirror
(x) Sang in the shower (only while singing along to the radio)
(x) Owned a little black dress (essential)
() Had a dream that you married someone else (I have never even married one person)
(x) Glued your hand to something (my fingers together)
(x) Got your tongue stuck to a flag pole (school bus window)
() Kissed a fish (yuck)
(x) Worn the opposite sex's clothes (boys t-shirts & boxers are the best)
() Been a cheerleader (would have liked to but hated those bitches)
(x) Sat on a roof top (isn't that where I was when you needed me Jen?)
(x) Screamed at the top of your lungs (sometimes I get very mad!)
(x) Done a one-handed cartwheel (and an Arial, I was a gymnast)
() Talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) Stayed up all night
() Didn't take a shower for a week (sorry, not possible)
() Picked and ate an apple right off the tree (scared of worms)
(x) Climbed a tree (then jumped out of it onto a trampoline and flew off - still have back problems)
(x) Had a tree house (a huge one in Zimbabwe)
(x) Are NOT scared to watch scary movies (love them, I scare easy)
(x) Believe in ghosts (did you read my last post?)
(x) Have more than 30 pairs of shoes (it’s an addiction, not my fault)
() Worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say
() Gone streaking (again, only do 2 things in the nude)
(x) Played chicken
(x) Been skinny dipping (okay make that 3 things I do naked)
(x) Been pushed into a pool/lake with all your clothes on
(x) Been told you're beautiful by a complete stranger
(x) Broken a bone (fingers)
(x) Been easily amused (very easily)
(x) Caught a fish then ate it (after my uncle cleaned it, it was traumatizing)
() Caught a butterfly (on my back ;))
(x) Laughed so hard you cried
(x) Cried so hard you laughed (what else are you going to do when you're that upset?)
(x) Mooned/flashed someone (the Stained tour bus, on my way to Utah to see them and Korn)
(x) Had someone moon/flash you
(x) Cheated on a test (I cheated on every spelling test in 3rd grade, and felt so bad about it I told on myself to my dad)
(x) Forgotten someone's name (all the time)
(x) Slept naked (damn it, make that 4 things)
(x) French braided someone's hair
() Grown a beard (God I hope not)

Comments, questions, concerns?????

The Paranormal

2005-08-02T10:48:00.000-05:00

I was reading Big Heavy’s blog the other day and he was writing about the paranormal. This got me thinking about my own experiences with the paranormal. Something that not many people know about me is that I have always had a slight sense of ESP. Ever since I can remember I have had dreams that “predict” future events. These dreams usually involve someone that I am close to or love getting hurt, injured, or potentially dying. I know it sounds bizarre but believe me, it is not something I would lie about nor something I ever wanted.

When I was 9 years old we went to Zimbabwe (my dad grew up there) to visit family and be there for my Grandma Joan's surgery. Sadly she passed away in the last few moments of the procedure. After we had her funeral I began to have a very unique experience. Each time I would go up the stairs to my bedroom at my uncle’s house my grandmother would meet me on the second landing and walk up the final flight of stairs with me, then her image would just disappear. At 9 years old you can imagine I was horrified. I knew my grandma would never hurt me and just wanted to be with me but I was still scared to death. I would cry every night when my parents would tell me to go up to bed, I only saw her when I was alone. But I never told my parents what was going on until several years later. In hindsight I wish I could see her again to talk to her and get to know her, apparently I am a great deal like her.

Shortly after my experience in Zimbabwe I began having dreams. These were not like normal dreams, they were very detailed and felt very real. I would awake sick to my stomach and barely able to get out of bed for the entire day.

Incident #1:
The first big premonition came when I was in 6th grade. My mom is a photographer and was set to go to Australia with my grandfather for a photo shoot for some magazine. Well a couple nights before she was scheduled to go I had a dream that she and my grandfather were going to die on their flight, that something was going to happen to their plane. When I awoke I ran downstairs crying and told her she couldn’t go. She tried to calm me down telling me that I had just had a bad dream and there was nothing to worry about, that we had traveled all over the world. But nothing she could do could ease the dread I was feeling. Something ended up happening with their Visas or something and they postponed their flight. Do you guys remember hearing about the flight where the roof of the plane pealed back and sucked half of the business class section out including 2 stewardesses? They even made a TV movie about it. Well that was the flight and the seats my mom and grandpa were scheduled to be on!

Incident #2:
One evening in when I was in middle school my dad was in my room and we were just hanging out talking about my Grandma Joan, the one from Zimbabwe. All of a sudden one of my music boxes on my shelf wound up and started playing. I was paralyzed with fear and my dad told me a phrase I have since heard many times, “the dead will never hurt you, only the living.” I think Grandma Joan was letting us know she was there.

Incident #3:
One morning in high school my dad came into my room to make sure I was awake for school and I told him that I was sorry his Uncle Willie had died. Uncle Willie lived in Scotland. My dad said, “Honey, Uncle Willie didn’t die.” I told my dad that he had and I was really sorry because I knew how much he had cared for him. No more than 10 minutes later the phone rang, it was a call from Scotland, Uncle Willie had passed away.

Incident #4:
In college I was dating a guy and had a dream that he was going to be hurt. In my dream I was trying to pull him into a tent, which represented safety. His back was to my chest and he was too heavy to get all the way in before some sort of explosion went off and his legs got hurt. I called him that morning and warned him that he was going to be in a car accident and to pay extra attention and wear this seat belt at all times. A few days later he was rear ended and nearly pushed into oncoming traffic on the highway. Instead of being thrown forward he was strangely thrust backward into the back seat. He drove a Jeep Wrangler, they have those bucket type seats that don’t recline, well the seat snapped and his head ended up in the back seat. Same motion as my dream!

Incident #5:
I had a detailed dream about another guy I had just started dating in college. I dreamt that he was welding something and there was a lot of sparks and then an accident where something flew up and burned his face. The strange thing was we had just started dating and I didn’t know what exactly he did, only that he worked for an aggregate company. I had never seen his uniform or his job site either. I couldn’t even remember the name of the company he worked for to call him and warn him. I was sick all day. When he came over that evening I told him about my dream in detail and he turned ghostly pale. What I had dreamed about, down to the type of uniform and gear he was wearing, had happened. He had been welding something and a hot shard had managed to fly up under his safety face guard and burned his eyelid.

Incident #6:
My friend George, passed away last year from cancer. Several months after his death he came to me in a dream, it was by far the most troubling dream I’ve had yet. He was trying to talk to me, just as he had in the few days before his death. He was so sick that last week and was struggling to even keep his eyes open let alone communicate with us. In this dream it was like he was trapped between worlds and didn’t know what to do. I woke up crying, I miss him every day. Since that dream there have been a couple of occations when I felt a prescence in my room and my cats have stared in that same direction. I believe it was George and am no longer as afraid as I used to be.

Incident #7:
This is the most recent occurrence. A month ago I was lying in bed sleeping, it was 3:00 a.m. and I woke up to my bed shaking. I thought my roommate had come home drunk and wanted to tell me something because it felt like someone was shaking the bed from the foot of it. And when I say it was shaking I mean it was a rockin! It only lasted about 30 seconds but it was scary, the cats even hissed and jumped off the bed. At first I thought it may have been George so I calmly told him I loved him but that was scaring me.

Incident #8:
About 45 minutes after incident #7 I managed to fall back to sleep when I once again woke up to a weird phenomenon in my room. There was a huge gust of wind that came through my room. Now I know the AC wasn't on because the unit is right outside of my bedroom window and is very loud. I half way sat up in bed and my hair was blowing back and the blinds were blowing around, it was crazy. Then I was pushed back down like someone was pressing on my chest with a lot of pressure. This incident lasted for about 2 minutes and I couldn't move. I then knew it wasn't my friend George, the feeling of pressure on my chest is an aggressive gesture and generally isn't viewed as being friendly. So who know's who my late night visitor was!

Well now that I have everyone thinking I am a freak I’ll end my post by saying, this is something that I never wanted and have always been scared of. But apparently runs in my family through my dad’s side and my Grandma Joan who came to visit me all those years ago.

The lack of Blog

2005-07-27T11:37:00.000-05:00

I need to apologize to my few loyal viewers about my lack of posting lately. It's not that I don't want to post but many things have been getting in the way it seems. First of all, I have been forced to commit to many social functions lately that fill my time with drinking and exhaustion. Secondly, I am moving in a week, give or take a couple weeks - that is the problem, when the fuck am I moving? My roommate has forced me to pack most of our stuff even though we don't even have the closing date set so our "happy" home is in complete disarray and I can't stand it. I am a bit like Monica on Friends and the mess and clutter that I am now living amongst is slowly and painfully killing me. Therefore, I try to stay away from my house as much as possible. As if all of this wasn't enough I am convinced I have a tumor in the right hemisphere of my brain. For some reason for the last few days the side of my head is absolutely tender to the touch. Whenever I touch it, yes I continue to touch it despite the pain, it feels like it is going to gush blood everywhere. The strange thing is the other side doesn't hurt at all. Given the random bizarre things that tend to happen to me everyday I wouldn't be surprised if something really was wrong with my stupid head. So, anyway, that is why I have been unable to post on a regular basis. Don't get me wrong, funny stuff is still happening daily and I'll be sure to fill you in when my head stops throbbing.

Christmas Shooters

2005-07-26T08:30:00.000-05:00

So in talking to someone today about the horrors of the mall I began reminiscing about Christmas shopping with my dad. Christmas time is excruciating for him and very entertaining for us when we drag him to the mall. If only they served alcohol there we wouldn't have a problem. I think the large department stores should have the little shot girls running around during the holiday season. You could even theme the shots to make it more festive. And for the snooty women you could have spiked hot coffee and cider drinks. I really think I may take this idea to Dillard's and Belk. Not only would it be extra revenue but the clientele would be so much friendlier and more easily persuaded to buy things. When I was younger my dad used to designate one evening when he would take my little brother and I to the mall to do all of our Christmas shopping at once, this was usually 3 days before Christmas. And he would always get my mom a nice piece of jewelry and something from Victoria's Secret. Now here's the funny part, my dad gets embarrassed about sex and all things associated with it, he even changes the channel when a tampon commercial comes on. So he would make my brother and I sit outside of Victoria's Secret while he went in and found a sales girl about the size of my mom and bought some lingerie. It was always a very embarrassing and secretive thing for him. However, as soon as we got home he'd give me all of the gifts to wrap, including the lingerie!!!!

Curiosity

2005-07-20T15:05:00.000-05:00

I stole this from kitkat who stole it from melanie so here we go,
"answer the question" :

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Do you have a crush on me?
5. Would you kiss me?
6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
7. Describe me in one word.
8. What was your first impression?
9. Do you still think that way about me now?
10. What reminds you of me?
11. If you could give me anything what would it be?
12. How well do you know me?
13. When's the last time you saw me?
14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
15. Are you going to put this on your blog and see what I say about you?

Quote for the day

2005-07-17T18:34:00.000-05:00

"You must find your soul before you can share it."

Drunk "Asses"

2005-07-16T13:11:00.000-05:00

I just read a post on zombieslayer's blog ( http://zombie-slayer.blogspot.com/) that really hit home for me and tugged at my heart strings. In his post he talks about addiction, both drugs and alcohol. One of the comments he made is so true that I had to share it:

"It brings out the demons within you. I keep hearing people say things like 'Bob's cool, but he's a major asshole when he's drunk.' No, Bob's a major asshole but it takes being drunk for him to show his true side."

How fucking true is that! I know that when I drink and "loosen up" the true me comes out. Maybe that's why I enjoy drinking so much?! My drunken honesty is astounding, sometimes good and other times disastrous. Knowing this, I make sure to evaluate my mood before I pick up that first drink. My drunken self is a direct reflection of the mood that I went into it with. Unfortunately for me and some unlucky others, it took me a few years to realize this about myself. Now I'm not going to sit here and say that I always go with the best option, not drinking when I'm sad or pissed, but at least I'm aware of it and give the people around me fair warning ;) Thanks zombieslayer.

So what kind of drunk are you?

NIN

2005-07-15T05:22:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to let everyone know how excited I am for tomorrow - Nine Inch Nails tickets go on sale!!!! The concert is on October 21st and I am so pumped. It's been way too long since I've been to a good "hard" concert.

The male version of my prayer

2005-07-15T04:40:00.000-05:00

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
With big tits who owns a liquor store and a boat.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
Amen

Please God...

2005-07-14T09:16:00.000-05:00

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.

The 'ollowers

2005-07-11T17:47:00.000-05:00

So I found a new blog that I love, http://undertheundies.blogspot.com. This chick seems to be coming from a very familiar place, a place I left not too long ago and am in no rush to get back to. On one of her recent posts she talked about the different ways us ladies usually handle a big breakup. I found it so true that I wanted to share it with you and see where everyone thinks they stand or stood during that gut wrentching death of a relationship:

“Then again, what are the ways of a breakup anyway?

Some wallow over lost love. They cheer it takes half the time you were together to truly get over him. You analyze what went wrong, what you've learned, and how you'll know better. You cry and miss and hate him until you're over it and ready to audition someone new.

And there's the swallowers (though I'm sure some spit). She says the best way to get over someone is to find someone new. One night stands, shameless flirting, and flings fill the voids. Not to say she doesn't learn, but neither does she let that stop her from finding someone else.

Then there are the followers that never really give up. They believe it could be worked out because they're problems are only situational. They may even recycle a couple times or stay friends. But the fear of letting go and regret, coupled with their fondness for each other keeps them holding on.”

Personally, I think I move through each of the the three during a breakup – did I mention I hate breakups, they seem as bad as a death sometimes.

Tagged

2005-07-08T09:42:00.000-05:00

Katie ( kitkat ) tagged me to do this so here it is:

1. What were three of the stupidest things you have done in your life?

Jumped off a second story high tree branch onto a trampoline. I bounced once and went back up past the branch I jumped from to come down no where near the trampoline. I landed on a 2x4 in a garden – have suffered lower back pain ever since.

Wasted 3.5 years of my life dating/supporting my ex-boyfriend.

Sitting in the back of a boat on the Zambezi River, right before a hippo chased it!

2. At the current moment, who has the most influence in your life?

My boss, he always wants to know if I “have a minute?” But after 5:00 p.m. I would say, unfortunately, ME. I am more hard on myself than anyone else could ever dream of being.

3. If you were given a time machine that functioned, and you were allowed to only pick up to five people to dine with, who would you pick?

Grandpa John – my dad’s dad, I never met him
Grandma Joan – I think we would have a wonderful time together
George Pruett – my partner in crime who passed away last year, I miss him
Gia Carangi – supermodel, heroin addict who died of AIDS, how interesting was her life
Me, in a previous life – how cool would that be

4. If you had three wishes that were not supernatural, what would they be?

To have Carmen Electra’s body – I was close once, I promise!
To really make a difference in the fight against cancer
To find my soul mate (yes, I know, may as well be a supernatural event)

5. Someone is visiting your hometown/place where you live at the moment. Name two things you regret your city not having, and two things people should avoid.

Regrets:
1. More bars & restaurants actually ON the beach – it would be nice to be able to grab a pina colada while laying ON the beach!
2. A good football team

Avoid:
1. Regency Mall movie theater – you are taking your life into your hands if you go there
2. I95 Northbound at 5:15 p.m. – it turns into a parking lot

6. Name one event that has changed your life.

Well the most obvious one is moving to Jacksonville but I would have to say each of my 3 major breakups – you are different after each relationship.

7. Tag 3 people.

rat in a cage - because his answers will be entertaining
slade - because I love her blog
kceracera - because your identity is a mystery that is killing me

Update

2005-07-05T13:59:00.000-05:00

Well, we didn't hear from Mel yet. But I'm sure she's not a happy camper - it has been raining in Jacksonville off and on all weekend, definitely interrupting beach time for sure. We haven't lost all hope yet though, she is down here for at least another week so you never know! It's kind of odd, the prospect of meeting, blogging is such a "safe" outlet simply because your identity is concealed. Oh well, I would still like to meet, I think Mel and I would get along great.

The big meeting

2005-06-30T16:15:00.000-05:00

So, for those of you who read diary of a psycho soccer mom's blog, you'll love this. For those of you who don't, you should, she's fabulous (her link is on the bottom left side of this page). Anyway, Mel is on her way down here to Florida, Fernandina Beach. I live in Jacksonville but lived in Fernandina for over a year when I first came down to Florida. So kitkat, Mel and I thought it would be cool to get together while she is here for drinks or something ;) As you can imagine, when Mel was considering letting her husband bring another chick along, kitkat and I were pumped by the prospect of a very interesting holiday weekend! Unfortunately, today Mel informed us that it may be too tricky to meet on this trip - her husband doesn't know about her blog! How would she explain 2 girls who show up to hang out and happen to know her a little better than the average local? So I'll keep y'all posted - we have thought of a couple of ways to "bump" into her but it's not looking promising.

My Wedding

2005-06-29T17:52:00.000-05:00

In case some of you didn't know, I am a wedding planner/event coordinator. Well twice in the last week I have had a nightmare about my own wedding - crazy because I don't even have a boyfriend! And when I say nightmare I do mean it, I wake up totally nauseous and stressed out, imagine that. In the first dream I am marrying my boyfriend from 5 years ago, who I haven't even talked to in 3 years. In the dream we didn't even officially get back together we just were getting married and right back in the good times. In the second dream I'm not even sure who I was marrying. The common theme in these dreams is my lack of preparedness. I forget to order the flowers, centerpieces, the food, send out all the invites, etc. Not only that but I always seem to run out of time on the wedding day and I don't have time to shower or do my hair or something. This is very bizarre for me - I am a planner, very organized and detail oriented. These dreams stick with me throughout the entire day too. I can't figure out what all of this means but it freaks me out. Maybe I'm running out of time to meet the right guy!!! Or maybe all of my friends should stop getting married and asking me to be in their damn weddings - "Always a bride's maid never a bride." OR "Those who can not wed, plan!" I'm doomed.

On my last nerve

2005-06-29T17:42:00.000-05:00

So today was special. I was fortunate enough to have to curtail my wine consumption last night in order to be at the hospital for testing this morning at 7:00 a.m. The morning started off with a "simple" ultrasound of those God damn infected kidneys. To my surprise, they have to look at your kidneys through your abdomen because your ribs apparently block the view of them from your back. O.k. so no big deal right, pregnant chics look so happy when their getting their ultrasound. WRONG. They didn't tell me that they have to push so hard on your stomach and side to get a "clear" view that it takes your breath away. So after that pleasurable wake up call I headed over to the neurology department to get a nerve study done on both of my wrists - lingering pain from the car accident in February. Another well kept secret - this hurts like hell too! They sent electric shocks into my arms that go up to your neck and back and back down to the point of origin - what the fuck man! My arms were flailing around and at times my whole body jumped off the bed. So by 8:00 a.m. my whole body was trembling and I was one pissed off bitch! I apologize for all of the blogs involving my crazy health issues but that seems to be the theme to 2005 - Injuries and Illnesses of Queenie.

Finally

2005-06-22T12:22:00.000-05:00

O.k. so I'm back from my extended absence. On June 4th I left Jacksonville for a work conference in Wheeling West Virginia. From there I flew straight to Denver for one of my best friend's wedding. Talk about a wild ride....so wild that the adventure was wrapped up with me so seriously ill that I should have been hospitalized! Now, three weeks later I am on some nice pain pills and beginning to recover from everything so I figured I would check in on my blog. I'm not even sure where to begin. I guess we'll start with the conference.

The Conference:
It was an IAAM conference, International Association of Assembly Managers. Each member of our huge 4 person event staff has been through this program, me being the final one. It is a week long "school" that is held in the mountains of West Virginia at a resort that resembles the one on Dirty Dancing. It is a two year program that certifies you in Public Assembly Facility Management. Everyone that I work with has raved about this opportunity, two of us go each year, one first year and one second year. I got to go with my friend Pam whom I party with anyway so I knew we would have fun. However, I had no idea how much fun we would really have! Let me just say that the "Library" is a sports bar and that the instructors are the last ones to leave at 2:00 a.m.! This "school" is a huge party/networking dream. I met so many awesome people there and can't wait to go back next year. Plus, if you've read KitKat's blog - I am the coworker who almost lost her job a month ago, fine, I just made some amazing contacts and am really not worried about finding another one.

The Wedding:
At 3:00 a.m., still drunk and partying I loaded my suitcases on a tram in Wheeling West Virginia to head for the Pittsburgh airport to fly to Denver for a 10 a.m. bridal shower. Need I say more about that flight. At 9:50 a.m. my mom whisked me from the airport straight to the bridal shower - I looked like I had been run over by a bus, was completely hung over and had not slept in 40 hours. In this condition no one should be forced to walk into a Stepford type situation with smiling, bubbling faces, white sun dresses and mini pastries. Once I was released from my duties there I finally grabbed a couple hours of sleep before the wedding madness began. We had so much to do - nails, toes, hair appointments, etc. Just as we had all walked down the aisle we heard a crack of thunder and the sky opened up, it started pouring rain. I found it quite amusing and the bride was calm about it so it turned out alright. We simply and smoothly moved inside to the reception area and started the whole thing over. All in all, despite the raspberry dress and shoes the wedding turned out to be beautiful and very fun.

The Illness:
The morning after the wedding I woke up at 5:00 a.m. with an excruciating pain in my right lower back. I told my parents that I thought my kidney was failing and they laughed at me calling me a hypochondriac. The pain intensified each day but I killed it with my handy loratabs. Finally Thursday night after going to a comedy show I started feeling really weird. My roommate thought I was just really drunk, off of my 2 drinks that night? I started getting delirious and sweating profusely, a 102 degree fever. My whole body ached and I couldn't move. Needless to say I didn't make it to work the next day and went to the doctor. She looked at me like I was insane and asked me if I had any idea how serious my condition was. Apparently the back pain that began 6 days earlier was a severe kidney infection that usually required hospitalization! Who knew? My doctor, who knows me pretty well unfortunately, understood my resistance to that idea and gave me some strong antibiotics and recommended a shot to jump start the process. Let me just say, for the following 3 days I barely moved and definitely didn't leave the house. Ladies, take care of yourselves if ya know what I mean. This kidney infection was the worst pain I have ever experienced in my whole life!

Addition to previous post

2005-05-20T08:17:00.000-05:00

After reading my post yesterday I had a friend remind me of another funny aspect of me:

1. I am sodium deficient
2. I drink too much water
3. My doctor has told me to stop working out

What the hell is wrong with me, right? I need to eat more salt, drink less water and stay away from the gym, some may view this as a blessing from God!

Inside of Me.

2005-05-19T14:01:00.000-05:00

Last week I read a Melanie's blog where she listed 100 interesting things about herself that people may not know. I found it so interesting that I decided to try and do it to, so here it goes:

1. I go by several names: Katrina, Katy, Trina and Kat are standard but will also answer to Queenie, Noodle and Sqeak. Occationally I get called Sabrina too.

2. I've been riding motorcycles since I was 6 years old.

3. I always wanted an older sister (thanks Amy for filling in).

4. I used to be super shy - shocking I know.

5. I was valedictorian of my high school - even more shocking yet.

6. I am scared of grass, will never walk in it barefoot.

7. I didn't eat red meat for 12 years - just didn't like it, then went to Ruth Chris steak house and well, need I say more?

8. I have a music box for every year I am old.

9. I've seen a ghost.

10. I crashed my car into the back of my mom's totaling both of them when I was 16.

11. I've had an eyebrow ring and a tongue ring.

12. I learned how to write like my best friend because I thought her handwriting was cool, and I still write like that.

13. I used to take my dad's Acura out and drive it around when my parents were gone before I was 16.

14. I tell white lies all the time, I can't help it! One time I was talking to my brother and thought of this whole story about how I saw a girl running on the treadmill and how she fell off and got flipped off the end. I almost told it to him but then stopped and asked myself, Why?

15. I was almost eaten by a hippo.

16. I don't eat meat off of a bone.

17. My gay roommate just moved his boyfriend in with us after knowing him for 1 week.

18. I call a girl I don't like FUPA, out loud.

19. I cried at a New Kids On The Block concert, I wanted to marry Jordan soooo bad!

20. I once dated a guy whom we ended up nick naming, Jeff the Ripper!

21. I had my first kiss freshman year of college (and I haven't stopped since).

22. I once asked the same guy out 5 times, funny that he always had to go camping or had too much homework??!!

23. I like to laugh like an old man - whiskey laugh.

24. I never send greeting cards that match the occasion, they are always for something else or in a different language, sometimes Braille.

25. I always travel with no fewer than 4 pairs of black heels in my car.

26. I call our custodian Peter but his name is Matt.

27. My dad and I are the funniest people I know.

28. I've been to Zimbabwe and South Africa twice.

29. I can count to 10 in French and Korean.

30. I have been in 2 car accidents in the last year and gone through 3 cars.

31. My insurance rate hasn't changed!

32. I hope to one day own a Beagle and name him Richard.

33. I think Rich should agree to name their first boy Max! Come on Rich, they already get your last name.

34. I once tucked my jeans into a pair of black leather boots because Brenda on 90210 did it (Jen hasn't quit making fun of me since but I got the idea from her leggings and brown boots).

35. I named my cat Brenda.

36. I have ESP - I have dreams that predict the future, for real, I'm not lying.

37. I have dated 2 guys legally named Scott Russell and they were both Cancers, their birthdays were 2 days apart.

38. My first job was at my dad's real estate company where I worked with my 2 best friends on the weekends - I'm pretty sure we were the reason that the company went under!

39. People say I always look mean and angry - I don't try too :(

40. I have had green, blue and brown eyes.

41. I had a mullet 2 years ago - it was an accident and I wore a hat until it could be fixed.

42. I would rather be orange and spotted than white! (Right Jen, self tanners are the best!)

43. I dated a heroin addict for 3 years (I've never done drugs).

44. If given a choice, I would never work another day in my whole life.

45. I have a ton of regrets.

46. I get very angry at my mom for not trying to quit smoking - I want her around to be with my kids some day.

47. I wish I could be anorexic but I love eating too much.

48. I can be very persuasive to get my way.

49. I've never had a cavity.

50. I'm freaked out that I'm turning 27 this year.

51. Although my friends call me Monica for my neurotic cleaning, I am very unorganized.

52. I always think I am smelling cat pee.

53. One time I shoved jalapenos in my brother's mouth and held him down with my hand over his mouth.

54. I'm not scared to die anymore.

55. On March 19th I had to sleep on a sidewalk.

56. I always end up being the cool girl that guys love to hang out with but not date - damn it!

57. I was hospitalized every October from age 6 - 17.

58. Each fall I get a yucky feeling in my stomach.

59. I don't like being alone.

60. One day I want to name my daughter Ireland Joan.

61. I lived in Paris for a month.

62. I learned how to play golf because when I was younger my dad told me he'd buy me a car when I turned 16 if I learned how to play! (That was the car I crashed into the back of my mom's).

63. I love tricking people

64. I was a gymnast for 13 years.

65. I care too much about what other people think about me.

66. I wish I could go back to high school as the person I am now.

67. I own a decorative ostrich egg.

68. I was a Young Life youth leader my freshman year of college.

69. I would rather freeze to death than burn to death.

70. I can't make a decision without asking at least 4 people their opinion.

71. If I had 3 wishes one of them would be to have someone else's body forever.

72. I am an "Outstanding Osprey."

73. I've seen Paula Abdul in concert.

74. I have an entire hallway closet full of shoes - 4 shelves packed.

75. I get stressed out over everything, my most common phrase is, "that stresses me out."

76. I have shot several guns.

77. I can change the oil and air filter in my car.

78. I am very sarcastic.

79. I wish I wouldn't have been so mean to my mom in high school.

80. I want to live in Greece.

81. I can't stand when people leave their shoes around the house, if I can manage to keep track of and put away 60 pairs of shoes, you can pick up yours.

82. I love taking Ephedrine!

83. I can throw up just thinking about it.

84. All of my childhood best friends are named Jennifer.

85. My dream job is to be Janet Jackson's back-up dancer.

86. I have a cat in Denver named Little Kim after the rapper.

87. I used to bring a water bottle full of Franzia (box of wine) to my statistics class in college.

88. In 3rd grade I used to cheat on every spelling test and forge my teacher's signature on reading assignments to get to the next level. I ended up feeling so bad about it that I told on myself.

89. I once vacuumed snow off of my best friend's roof outside her bedroom window because it didn't match the decor in her room.

90. I have tried to catch Mono for years - I heard you lose a lot of weight when you have it.

91. My typical family gathering could be mistaken for a UN assembly.

92. I once stepped on a baby lizard in my house because I didn't want to touch him to put him back outside, then I cried because I felt so bad.

93. I really want to get married some day!

94. I talk to my cats and treat them like children.

95. I allow people to treat me like crap and walk all over me.

96. I set my alarm clock for an hour and a half before I have to wake up so that I can hit snooze for that long.

97. I don't like to get up and do anything unless it's on the quarter or half hour.

98. I have an airplane sink in my bedroom.

99. I loose my keys all the time. I have lost the laundry room key so many times that my dad attached it to a candle lighter when he came to visit.

100. I refused to buy a car without a sunroof and ended up getting a convertible.

101. When discussing private parts I cannot say the V word or the P word. Any other crude or slang term, no problem, but the clinical terminology freaks me out!

2005-05-09T15:19:00.000-05:00

Sabry passed away Saturday night May 7th.

Je suis triste. (I am sad)

2005-05-04T15:03:00.000-05:00

I miss Sabry.

Sabry is one of my co-workers. He is an amazingly likeable, very kind hearted man with a beautiful spirit. Sabry was diagnosed with cancer just over a month ago. The doctors told him for the 5 months prior that the breath taking pain in his side was an ulcer. No it wasn't, it was cancer of the pancreas and liver. After a futile attempt at intensive chemo the heinous disease has spread all over his helpless body and Sabry is not doing well. He was always so positive and generous and has a wonderful sense of humor. Each day we miss him more and more, there is a noticeable void in his corner of the office. There is nothing more that we can do for Sabry except pray for him and his family's strength and peace of mind.

We miss you Boo and we are all eternally grateful to have had the opportunity to know you and call you a friend.

Some Damn Good Advice!

2005-04-29T14:50:00.000-05:00

So today I'm sitting here at work, bored to tears - everyone has gone home but me, and I start reading a random site that was actually a link off of someone else's blog: http://porktornado.dairyland.com. In one of his posts he talked about a quote someone told him that I really liked, "I am a big believer in unintentional consequences." How awesome is this! It is so true but so commonly forgotten. Anyway, I just wanted to share that with you.

He also posted about negative people and I thought it really corresponded with one of my previous blogs about how "Beingness attracts Beingness." This is what he had to say:

"We all know people who have had abusive relationships and still claim that "a part of them will always love" the person who repeatedly did them wrong.

Holy dear sweet baby Jesus in a blender, that is agonizing to hear. Cut the cord already. If anyone in your life isn't making your life better or having their life made better by your help, they should drop like a box of doorknobs back into whatever steaming pile of non-achievement they have created for themselves. Seriously. I understand human compassion (and am told I was even capable of it at one time), but you have to draw the line somewhere. If you dont, there is a 100% chance that you will end up like them. Keeping them around so you can observe their lives like some kind of industrial disaster is okay, though. Just keep a safe distance.

So everybody think right now to that one person who has caused you nothing but inconvenience and/or pain. Now call or e-mail him or her and tell him or her that you will no longer be needing them to suck your soul dry. You'll be much happier."

I love this! I definitely need to heed his advice, don't you all agree? However, we all know that I am a little too gunshy to actually make contact with these people so I'll just say it on here, where it's safe, since we know they couldn't possibly take time out from their abusive partying to read this. Fuck you Laine, Kirk, Chris and Boob Job - I hope you all reap what you sow and rot in hell.

The THINGER

2005-04-14T09:43:00.000-05:00

You're probably wonder what the hell a thinger is. Well you see, it goes back to my childhood. I grew up with my 2 guy cousins, Thomas and Jason. When we were little, in the 80's, and it was cool to give people the "thumbs up" sign they used to make fun of me. You see, their thumbs were double jointed so they could bend back down toward their wrist. Me on the other hand (ha, ha), not so lucky! So began the joke of how Katy's thumb was meant to be a finger. This funny little inside joke has remained with me through the years. I was just telling my friend Katie about it the other day when I noticed her thumb - what the crap Katie? Katie's thumb not only was meant to be a finger, it is a finger. This thumb want-a-be sticks straight up toward the sky, there isn't even a faint arch in this bad boy. I found it so amusing and felt so fortunate to pass the torch of the "Thumb that was meant to be a finger," that I decided to share it with you on my blog! So Katie, congratulations you have taken the thumb to a new level, the Thinger! A picture will be posted soon, don't worry.

The Progressive Insurance Truck

2005-03-31T11:02:00.000-05:00

So, there I was, 8:30 a.m. at the Caruso Car Dealership ready to pick up the Durango after a month of repair work. Today was going to be a good day, I was supposed to get my truck back from the accident I was in a month ago. So I pranced in there with my $3,500.00 check from my insurance company ready to turn the rent-a-car in and what happens???? DENIED. Apparently, Katie, my friendly Progressive rep (the guy who hit me has Progressive insurance) just forgot to mail my deductible to my insurance company when she said she did a month ago. Oops, that's $250.00 the dealership needs on the spot to release my car! Can you say, "Oh Hell No!" For those of you who don't know me very well - I don't take kindly to poor customer service and these types of little goof ups. After apologizing to the dealership and informing them it would be handled within 24 hours I set out on my mission. Sitting in front of the dealership on my cell, mind you I don't have any daytime minutes, cause for even more irritation, I call Progressive. Oh, how surprising, Katie is on vacation until April 6th, how nice for her. So a poor unfortunate guy now has to deal with me. He is a smart one however and has Katie's boss call me back immediately. Poor, poor little Katie, she may not want to come back from vacation!

So, Katie's boss Amy calls me, "How are you doing today Miss Welch?" Are you freaking kidding me????? "Well not to good, actually I'm pretty frustrated right now." Amy apologizes and informs me she has the check and Katie must have forgotten to mail it out. So she said she could drop it in the mail to me today. Once again, "Oh Hell No!" I proceeded to tell Amy that when the accident happened the happy little Progressive truck was right there within minutes to make sure their asses were covered and therefore I expect the same response in this matter. However, the trucks had already been dispatched for the day so that wasn't possible. So, bottom line, Amy will be personally delivering the check to my house before 3:00 today! Thanks Amy for your understanding and commitment to my personal customer satisfaction - I am still going to sue your ass off!

Lunch Time Recreation

2005-03-30T14:40:00.000-05:00

So there we were, in the middle of the forest, lost. What started out as our first day of walking during our lunch hour turned into a voyage to another land. Who knew that you could get lost in the middle of the UNF campus? Katie and I set out to burn some calories instead of gain them during our lunch hour. We knew that the campus had a nature trail system that a lot of people use to jog and walk on so we thought we would give it a try instead of walking around the main campus circle. So, off we go, following the yellow arrows with our trusty pedometer and Walmart special jogging watch. We were pumped to actually be walking through the woods, as we are both originally adventurous girls from mountainous states. Our plan was to walk for 45 minutes, leaving us 15 minutes to change back into our work gear. However, the yellow path seemed to take a lot of little zigs and zags and before we knew it we were in the thick of the woodland. Well, as we all know there is not much "untouched" land in cities anymore so we figured we would pop out somewhere on campus and head back toward the University Center sooner than later - wrong. We stumbled upon a huge lake and still no sign of civilization other than the distant roar of JTB and St. Johns Bluff, but who were we to judge which was which. Then out of nowhere comes an old man, jogging along, the same old man who had lapped us at the beginning of the trail. We flagged him down and asked for directions back to our place of employment: "You're going to follow this trail down and turn right then you'll see another smaller trail on the right, don't turn there - cross the small foot bridge (or 2 but whatever) then you'll come to a fork in the road and you'll have to decide if you're going to go left or right back to where you started, got it?" Sure we've got it, and off we go. The "fork" in the road actually is where the path dead ends into the mysterious lake we found 45 minutes earlier. And if we knew which way to go to get back to where we started we wouldn't have asked! So Katie, Eagle Scout that she is, began to judge our direction by the position of the sun! (For those of you that know us, using the sun as our compass is absolutely hilarious). So after about another 20 minutes of walking we do plop out onto campus and began our walk back to work. As we are walking trying to figure out the error of our way we notice that not only are we burning up (it is 80 degrees today) but we have numerous bug bites and our fingers have swollen up to the size of Jimmy Dean sausage links. Great, now we are not only way over our alloted 1 hour lunch break but we are beat read, sweaty and have sausage links instead of fingers! So the lesson for today is: stick to the gym! It has AC, you can't possibly get lost, there are showers and it cuts down on the bug bites!

Crisis #3,521-b

2005-03-29T13:58:00.000-05:00

So there I was, sitting at my desk at work examining my split ends because, why wouldn't I be? And all of a sudden I was taken back in time to 8th grade at Eaglecrest High School in Aurora, Colorado. My best friend Jen and I were walking up the stairs behind one of the most popular girls in school, Sheila Otto. When upon closer examination we noticed that her Jennifer Anniston classic Friends haircut was littered with white dots. No, not dandruff or lice but SPLIT ENDS, millions of them. So this brings me to my question: Sheila, why did you not cut your hair throughout high school? Answer the question. Upon this horrifying trip down memory lane today I realized - my split ends have split ends! Seeing that this is completely unacceptable I placed an emergency phone call to my beloved hair dresser and friend Rhonda, who could tell by the tone in my voice the magnitude of the situation and slipped me into the chair 2 hours later! A special thanks goes out to Rhonda, thank you for saving my friends as well as strangers from a visual such as the one of Sheila, that plagues me till this day.

The Keg Party

2005-03-23T09:59:00.000-05:00

So, there I was at a keg party last weekend, hard to believe I know. Well I'm sitting there with my two friends at a party in which we know no one and I look across the fire to observe a very peculiar site. Let's start by saying that there was a girl who decided to put her hair up with chopsticks, potentially cute yes but not when they are sticking up 4 inches from the top of your head like a rabbit ears antenna! So we of course named her Chopsticks. Poor little Chopsticks she was trying so hard to be cool and get involved in the general conversation but just seemed to "stick" out like a sore thumb. So as I look back over to her she pulls a red floppy book out of her heinous handbag. Upon closer examination I realize that the book looks very similar to a bible. Oh yes my friends, the pages were trimmed in gold - it was a bible. Immediately I alerted my friends, sure that this was about to get interesting and entertaining. This girl busts open the Bible and starts making comments like, "sweet" and "yes!" Apparently the Book of James is very exciting. Of course someone finally asks the question we've all been wondering, "are you reading the Bible?" Chopsticks then informs the group that she is just referencing something she had read earlier that day, mind you this was in between her sipping her beer. She continued to read by fire light until she had lost everyone's attention and then she moved on to a group of guys who were standing in a circle talking. The next thing I know she is removing her chopsticks and shaking her long blond hair out like some porno star, there was a noticeable silence as everyone thought they were about to experience a strip tease, from bible reading, beer sipping, bimbo! All in all it was very interesting, I mean don't we all read the Bible at a keg party while drinking beer????

Crazy Woman

2005-03-22T16:32:00.000-05:00

O.K. so here I am sitting here listening to a bizarre conversation my poor unfortunate coworker is trapped in. Why do people insist on repeating their maddening questions when you tell them that you cannot help them? So this lady is standing here asking us questions about a water aerobics class - there is no fucking pool here! We have attempted 4 times to redirect her to the Aquatics Center where the pool is located, but no she is now telling us about her water shoes in between complimenting my coworker on her hair numerous times - her hair is tightly pulled back in a bun!!! Jen, you do have beautiful hair but damn - it's in a bun! So this lady keeps talking and now has moved on to the hair dresser that Jen doesn't even go to. Which brings me to the discussion of hair! Straight or curly ladies, there should never be an in between! In between hair is what went wrong in the 80's. Perms are also NOT O.K. Let it go girls, there is no need to keep fighting the friz just straighten it or "Pump n' Curl" your locks! I'm sorry, I am no style expert but I have seen a magazine or two in the last 10 years, T.V., movies, or hello - going out in public so what are these women's excuses? Maybe they don't have a mirror at home, who knows but honestly it does bother me and it should bother you too!

Quote for the Day

2005-03-21T12:18:00.000-05:00

"Beingness attracts Beingness"
I got this quote at an acupuncture session when I was told to select a card out of a stack and this would be tell me what I needed to work on in my life. I think it is so true and try to remind myself of it daily. You do take on the aura of people you choose to surround yourself with. With that said, I am makings some "cuts" in my life - cutting out the negative people, their problems and the drama that comes with them.......So if I stop talking to you, you'll know you didn't make the cut and maybe you should reevaluate your life, you fucking losers!

The beginning

2005-03-19T15:48:00.000-05:00

So there I was, reading my friend Katie's blog and I thought to myself, I can do this! I probably have more random thoughts and comments than anyone I know so why not let everyone know what they are instead of just the lucky few - Katie, Laine and Jen. I guess I'll start off by saying that the majority of people these days annoy me! Have people completely forgotten their manners or did they never develop any? Let's start with something simple, making plans. O.K. so it's the weekend and everyone is relaxing and just playing it by ear but then it comes time to get ready to go out so you call your friends and try to set something up, doesn't seem too difficult right? Wrong, this forces people to commit to a time and location, God forbid you tell someone you'll meet them, I mean what if something better comes along and you want to do that instead????? So instead this is what happens, "well, why don't you call me when you're getting ready to leave and we'll see what's going on." What the crap - NO, I need to know what time I have to be somewhere so that I can get ready accordingly. Not only that but I need to have a destination so that I know what to wear and what supplies I may need for the evening. How many times have you gone out intending to do something or go somewhere and plans change and there you are not ready for the situation??? This stresses me out! And what is so wrong with making plans? If something better comes along then talk to the person you made plans with and work it out, invite them, etc., just don't bail on them because you can't stick to the plan. I'm sick of everyone always waiting for something better to come along - You're missing out, life is passing you by while you wait!